Tag Archives: Soccer

Okay I know, I know. Soccer is the greatest sport in the world. In Italy and Spain its more popular than blah blah blah. I don’t care. The fact remains that soccer to most Americans is about as exciting as watching glue harden. Its about as interesting as a five pound sack of fertilizer.

Sorry folks, that’s just the way it is and its just the way its going to remain for infinity. Why? Because we have football. For the record, soccer is not football. Not in America. It never was and it never will be. American football has consumed American sports enthusiasts for years, and I don’t see this changing any time soon.

Lets face it. Soccer is only hockey on grass in slow motion and its so easy that even small kids can be good at it. Who wants to watch a sport played by people with names we cannot pronounce, and people making annoying noise throughout the game?

My theory is that people watching soccer decided to make it interesting and created La Crosse, a sport where people are actually allowed to touch each other and then they added cool sticks with nets to hit each other with.

Soccer is the only game I have ever seen where the game can end in a 0-0 tie. A TIE?? There are no tie games in real sports! What the hell is that? A tie . . . flip a God Damn coin or something for Christ’s sake. A tie . . . .

And exactly how is it that these “Great soccer players” can miss the goal in the first place? The damn thing is bigger than a garage door. A blind man couldn’t miss it.

Today I am going to watch a bunch of grown men run back and forth on a 400 acre field chasing a ball with only their feet, and kinda come close to kicking it in a giant net for three hours and not score a single friggin point. Its gonna be great.

Oh, lets not forget the wonderful riots created by the fans, which at times appear to be an assemblage of the biggest morons on the planet. When their team wins 1 to nothing, they beat the hell out of the opposing teams fans and burn down the stadium. Wonderful indeed.

I would rather watch lawn darts. I would be more entertained by people riding unicycles on acid. I would find more fun in watching professional bowling.

You can keep your leppo game of soccer. You want more Americans to watch, make the field 75 feet shorter, 25 feet narrower, give those guys helmets and pads and make it full contact. JD