I like Earth Day. Its the one day that I can show the rest of the world how much I believe in the environmental nut bags and their fear of their own shadow. This year was no exception, with the environmentally challenged out in force pushing their fear on the rest of society.

Earth Day for me actually started yesterday. See, I like to make sure that on this one day, I pollute more than any other day of the year, and although I am physically fit and go to the gym daily to keep myself from becoming a fat lump of crap that sucks off of the societal tit later in life, yesterday started like this.

I got up and made a chorizo and egg burrito with sausage, bacon, cheese, potato and hot sauce. For lunch I had an In N Out Double Double with animal style fries. For dinner I had steak, bread, salad, baked potato and a blooming onion at Outback Steakhouse.

Why did I eat so much? So that this morning upon awakening from a deep slumber, I could shit out a Buick and flush it out to the Pacific Ocean.

All day long, I drove my car floored from light to light. I was averaging about 12 miles to the gallon in my 30 mile a gallon car. Oh, I plugged the air cleaner up to make it run rich and smoke more too.

I rolled the window down and threw all of my garbage from my car out the window.

I ran the sprinklers front and back all day even though it was raining.

I took all of the half empty spray paint cans out and sprayed them into the atmosphere. I had 11 of them in all. Made a bit of a mess, but who cares? I don’t live in the street.

I sprayed the last of my DDT and Chlordane around the house to kill the bugs . . . um and birds and cats and anything else that comes near the house for the next 6 months.

I changed my oil and let it run into the gutter in front of my neighbors house and buried the oil filter in his front yard. I didn’t want the stain in front of my house. Not to worry. The rain and sprinkler run off did an efficient job of running it down the storm drain that runs to the ocean.

I then took all my old paint cans and dumped them down the toilet where they too were flushed out to the ocean.

I finished the day by going to the gas station to fill my car which was empty from hauling ass all over town today, and decided it would be a nice end to the day if I let a couple of gallons go onto the ground, which was swept down the storm drain and into the ocean.

Of course I didn’t so any of the above and this article is totally farcical, but I thought it was a funny. JD